A selection of funny jokes №4
The coach comforts the losing boxer:
— But in the third round, you scared your opponent a lot. — What is it? «He thought he killed you.»
An old woman enters a crowded Leningrad bus. No one gives way to her. — Is there really no intelligentsia left in St. Petersburg? A sitting big man answers her: — Intellectuals, mother, to hell, but there are few buses!
— Mr. Captain, why do most ships have female names? — If you knew how difficult they are to manage, you wouldn't ask stupid questions.
— Waiter, I would like to get the same as the gentleman at the next table. — No problem, monsieur. I'll get him on the phone now, and you go ahead.
The six hundredth gelding enters the rink from behind. A big guy gets out of the car and starts calling his traffic cop on his mobile. After a while, a police car stops, a traffic cop gets out of it, approaches the driver of the rink, takes him aside and whispers sincerely: — Well, tell me. How did I overtake… How he clipped it...
— Vovochka, open your mouth soon and say a-a-a so that this evil and nasty doctor can finally pull his finger out of your teeth!
Lecture at the Agricultural Institute. The professor says: — A breeding bull can perform up to a hundred sexual acts. Student: — For what period of time? Professor: — For a day. Student: — Repeat this for the student from the last row. A student from the last row: — Tell me, Professor, with one cow or with the whole herd? Professor: — With the whole herd. Student: — Repeat this for the student from the first row.
The ensign comes home and tells his wife: — Let's eat! The wife complains: — I'm so tired. During the whole day, she never sat down. … … The ensign took pity on her and forced her to sit down two hundred times...
«Sometimes you have to wish your friend was a big pig,— sighed the hungry Winnie-the-Pooh, roasting Piglet over a campfire.
The tax inspector asks the new Russian: — Are you sure that you bought a villa, five Mercedes cars and six apartments in the center with honestly earned money?
— It seems to me that all this was bought with people's money! — What are you, finally?! Where did the people get such money?
— Haim, did you hear that there will be a pogrom soon? — But I'm not afraid — I'm Russian on my passport. — You fool, they won't hit you on your passport, but on your face!
At the Tashkent bazaar, the buyer picks up a melon and, in order to bring down the price, sneers: — Are these the biggest apples you have? The seller retorts: — Do not touch the grapes with your hands...
The bus is packed with passengers. One man stands on the running board and says: — Naro-o-od, make room. Otherwise I'll go head over heels! The bald man answers him, stroking his bald head with a wet palm: — May you slip! — Yes, I have spikes!
The mystery of the Sherlock Holmes violin has been solved: On quiet winter evenings, its sounds echoed through London at night, and this made hooligans lose their legs, robbers lose their hands! The rapists weren't happy either...
The husband suddenly returns from a business trip and discovers a cigar on the night table. — Where did this cigar come from? The wife is silent. — I'm asking you for the last time, where did the cigar come from? — Yes, from Havana, you idiot! — it comes from the closet.
The boss turns to a new employee: — Has my deputy explained to you what you will do? — Yes, monsieur. »And what did he tell you?" — That I should wake up if you show up.
— Tell me, please, does your chain dog let you near him? — Of course! Otherwise, how can he bite you?
— Where Piglet and I are going is a big, big secret! — Oh, Vinnie, I forgot to take the paper!
A geologist got lost in the taiga, shouting: «People! Where are you!? Help me!» A Chukchi comes out from behind a tree and says in a demonic voice: «Oh, how is it here — so „people!“, and as in Moscow — so „frying pans with ears“!»
Lieutenant Rzhevsky dances at the ball with Natasha Rostova. — Lieutenant, — Natasha is surprised, — why are you patting me on the back? — I'm trying to find your breasts, mademoiselle. «But they're in front of me!» — Yes, I was already looking there, sir!
The ensign explains to the recruits: — If you throw a stone, it will fall to the ground — the force of gravity acts on it. «And if he falls into the water?» — the newcomer asks. — This does not concern us, this is what the Navy does.
The wife turns to her yawning husband: — Listen, since your mouth is open anyway, shout to our baby to go home.
A paraglider lands: — Oh, I hit myself so hard, I almost broke my legs! The instructor looked at it and said: — Well, I didn't break it, but I bent it thoroughly.
— The waiter! Is this a horsemeat steak? — No, sir, the steak is not made of horse meat: we are out of horses! This steak is from the cart!
The new Russian is traveling with his girlfriend in Mersa. — Look, I'm going to run a red light right now! And he's driving at full speed. The girl is delighted. He stops at the next intersection, even though the light is green. Girl: — What are you doing? — Yes, right now the same horseman will go...
An alcoholic's friend confesses: — I don't like to get drunk in front of my wife, it's unpleasant to see how there are two of them...
The daughter asks her mother: — And who is this scary, hairy uncle with red eyes? — And this is your dad. «Is he sick?» — No, I'm connected to the Internet.
A beggar knocks on the door. «Madam, I haven't seen meat for three days. — Sarah, show him the cutlet.
A cowboy arrives in town and stays at a cool hotel. Everything is as it should be, sauna, swimming pool. And suddenly, on the third day, the instructor does not allow him to this pool:v — Why am I not allowed in. I paid for everything. — Yes, sir, but you pee in the water! — So what, almost everyone does that! — Yes, but you're the only one doing it from the tower.
There is a long queue at the pharmacy. A man bursts in screaming: — Let me through! Skip the queue! There's a man lying there! The queue opens up, he squeezes through to the counter: — A pack of condoms, please!
Chapaev went to enroll in the military academy. — Vasily Ivanovich, did you pass everything? — No, not everything, Petka. I gave blood, I gave urine, but I couldn't do math.
The zone. 8 o'clock in the morning. Roll call. The chief informs the prisoners: — Starting today, our zone has switched to three meals a day! — Ur-r-ra! — the prisoners are shouting. — Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday!
The student whines: — Professor, I don't deserve a two! Professor: — I know… Unfortunately, we do not have lo