Jokes about life in Russia

— I suggest adding the phrase «extra money» to the list of oxymorons. No, well, you hear — EXTRA fucking MONEY! Yes, this is worse than «hot snow» and «a living corpse»! Where have you seen this at all?

— Or «free time».

— More «people's deputies».

— «Affordable housing.

» — And also «a bright future.»

— Or «holidays with children».

And you were also supposed to get drunk and degrade in your native small town, but instead you moved to a big city and degrade there?

— What kind of meat do you have so strange?

— Japanese wagyu marbled beef.

— And what is this?

— Black truffles in cognac marinade, mascarpone mousse with asparagus, shallots, yellow cherries, cabbage, and fennel here. There are also Aeolian capers.

— Well, let's go… Only without the shallots.

— Do you like it in plain or cheese pita bread?

During rush hour in the subway, the main thing is to choose the largest woman and, having fallen in behind her, use her as a war elephant, crushing the phalanxes of the Macedonians.

There are three types of forecasts.

1. Predicting what everyone wants. To be reassuring.

2. Predicting what no one wants. To scare me.

3. Predicting what will actually happen. To make everyone laugh.

A good mood is when stupid people do not infuriate, but amuse.

How to look at a collection car without any stupid thoughts?

— How is your financial situation?

— Well… Souvenir soap was used.

Last year I bought a brick from you for 100 rubles. This year I bought the same one from you for 150. The trade turnover between us has grown by 50 percent over the year!

People who work hard and dangerous jobs, and artificial intelligence that composes poetry and paints pictures. Somehow, the future did not seem like that…

— I work remotely as a landscape designer.

— The gunner?

— The gunner.

The most useful animals are dermatins and synthetic fibers. Everything in the world is sewn from their skins, and sausages and sausages are made from meat.

— Hello, are you an American?

— Yes, I am an American.

— Have you been to the moon?

— No, I wasn't.

— Let's write it down: the Americans have not been to the moon.

My therapist:

— You must have a dream so that you can get up in the morning.

Me:

— Damn, my dream is not to get up in the morning!

With the advent of the robot vacuum cleaner, the apartment has become much cleaner, since you have to clean up all the scattered things from the floor.

The main new scourge of the country is highly motivated, low—skilled people.

Have you ever stopped suddenly and asked yourself the question: «Why am I still sober?»