A selection of funny jokes №3

Dima Bilan's DNA code matches the code of his entrance.

— Guys, I have 2 news. Which one should I start with?

— Start with the bad one.

— She's dumb and ugly.

— Well, what about the good one?

— I got married!

— Dad, why are the Chinese narrow-eyed?

— and this is my son because their brain perceives an image in the 16:9 dvd format

The anatomy exam. Student:

— Uh-uh! Mm-hmm! Men's internal genitals include! Uh-uh! Dick!

Professor, that's funny.:

— Eh, girl, it's INTERNAL for you, and EXTERNAL for a man!

The director calls the programmers and the sysadmin to him.

— What a bastard deleted my access to the network!!! I'll fire you for fuck's sake!!!

—?

— I ask you again — who deleted it?

Sysadmin: I did not delete…

Programmers: We didn't delete it either!

«Then tell me what it is.» Here's the «Network Connections» folder, see?

And here is the icon — «Remote network access»… For the last time, in a good way, WHO DELETED IT???

— Hello, morgue? Are you here in the application demanding ten new refrigerators?

— Yes, we are.

— Do they eat there all the time?

The husband returns from a business trip, enters the room — there is a wife with two men in bed. He goes to the kitchen and there are naked men there. The husband waited until his wife came out and asked:

— Ira, what is this all about?!!!

Wife:

— Yes, some kind of horror, Vasya!

God forbid, of course — but suddenly this armageddon has come and you have drifted into the subway — read this guide…

So:

1. Stop pointing at the glass doors, staring at the ceiling and shouting «Oh-oh-oh!!!»

2. No, you do not need to throw a five-kopeck coin into the turnstile to get through.

3. And a green token too.

4. Go to the ticket office (a place where people are queuing and there are semicircular windows) — and put 13 rubles through the window — you will receive a ticket with an arrow.

5. Do not look at the ticket for a long time — otherwise you will be late.

6. Do not break into the red light that is on at the turnstile — there is a traffic cop there — hits hard and is by no means affordable.

Two blondes meet: Dana Borisova and Sergey Zverev. Dana:

— I heard that scientists have found out that the human brain begins to be laid in the 4th month of pregnancy.

Zverev: — What is it? So, in order for me to have a brain, I need to get pregnant?

What could be the reasons for being late for work?

Yes, they are different! Here I am today — I got into a small accident. The minibus I was riding in flew into the same one that stopped at a traffic light…

And that's why the driver couldn't stop in time, I'll tell you…

6-30 a.m. The minibus is half empty. She stops at the cinema named after him.

Mayakovsky. The door opens and two VERY well-dressed mamzels of about 18 years old enter the minibus, continuing the conversation that was clearly started at the bus stop…

… no, you can imagine, I didn't even wash it! I put it in my mouth, lick it, and it's salty! No, well, you could have washed it!..

People are quietly sliding out of their seats. The driver starts to hiccup… At this moment, the second:

— What are you, a fool?! You can't lick knives!

… Bang bang bang!!!

GIRLS! You have to think about what you're saying!

— What a woman wants is what God wants. Therefore, God wants new clothes

and marriage.

The name of the dumpling «Harmony» hinted that vodka was always served there with the main dish.

— Who are you?

— The good fairy!

— And why with an axe?!

— the mood is not very good…

1887212 links were found for the query «spelling dictionary»…

Everyone says that a person can only look at three things — fire, water and the work of others, but the history of all kinds of Internet browsers refutes this theory, confidently saying only one thing — a person looks only at a person, most often of the opposite sex (there are exceptions) and without clothes.

I wonder if anyone has ever cut off the corner of a bag of nuts with scissors along the dotted line drawn?

A physics question (from the problem book for the USSR Physics Olympiads):

«Can an astronaut, by rapidly rotating a heavy crowbar, change the orientation of his satellite?»

The pervert boy read the whole Parsnip to Santa Claus from the stool!

Recently I had a conversation with my mother:

M: Well, sort of, it's time to get married…

Me: Come on, why would I do that?

M: Well, why? At least not to live with us…

Me: Yes, I'm fine with you...

M: Yes? Hmm… well, I'll work on it.…

Love is a paradoxical state of a living organism that makes you forget about your own ass and think about someone else's.

— Do you have a bank account?

— Yes, but it's not in my favor.

Street. A group of guys are drinking gin and tonic. One says:

— I'm completely steamed up with this job, I haven't had a drink in a long time. I've already been blown away by one can of gin and tonic.

The other one responds:

— Yes… if you were a girl, you wouldn't be worth it!

A Jew catches a goldfish on the seashore, she asks him:

— A Jew?

The man answers:

— yeah.

Fish:

— Fry it better…

— You are simply unrecognizable today!

— Do I look good?

— That's not the point. Who the fuck are you?

— Tell me, Alexander, did you have any women before me?

— No, it wasn't.

— And it won't be now.

A well-paid job requires a cleaner. Curling experience is a must.