Jokes from Mordasov

The locksmith repairs the door lock and talks to the landlady:

— Mistress, is there any engine oil?

— There is none.

— And the butter?

— There is butter.

— Then spread a sandwich.

***

A man walks into a public toilet stall.

Pissing.

He sees the inscription on the wall in front of him:

— Look higher!

The man is watching.

There:

— Look even higher!

He lifts his head up completely:

— Look down quickly, you're pissing on your shoes!

***

A man in a bar is looking at ice in a cocktail:

— Look at what an interesting shape — an ice cube with a hole.

His neighbor says with disgust:

— What's interesting here — I've been married to such a woman for 20 years.

***

Damn, I'm already afraid to be indoors with her! He sits with his nose in the monitor, his gaze is indifferent. The cat is meowing in the kitchen. I tell her, «Go cut off a piece of meat for the cat.» Silently he gets up and goes to the kitchen. Is returning. There is a cat in one hand, a knife in the other, the same killing indifference in his eyes and asks «which one should I cut off?»

***

A Russian language lesson at school. Marivanna:

— Children, which of you can come up with an antonym for the word «blonde»?

Vovochka:

— «Bright head»!

***

A mother is dying in a brothel. All the prostitutes are fussing around her.

One, seizing the moment, turns to her:

— You are so experienced, you have seen so much in your life. Tell me, which are the best: small, medium or large?

— Average.

— And why are they average? Well, I understand why the medium ones are better than the small ones, but why are the medium ones better than the big ones?

— THERE ARE NO BIG ONES.

***

— Girl, do you drink vodka?

— Is this a question or a suggestion?

— First of all, a question.

— Then I don't drink.

— And if there is an offer?

— Then I'll drink.

***

I feed my 2-year-old son, who dodges the porridge in every possible way.

If he looks at the window, he'll find a case under the table. Chu! Something in the yard caught

his attention!

— Ma, who is this? — pointing to the shepherd, he asked.

«Wolf,» I said, losing patience. — If you don't eat, I'll call him and

give him all the porridge.

After eating a couple more spoons, the son sighs:

— Well, come on, start yelling: «Wolf, wolf!»