DYING OF LAUGHTER - PROLONGING LIFE

HOW I STOPPED DRINKING.

It happened to me. If someone told me that, I wouldn't really believe him either.

I was drinking very hard then.

So, one Saturday, with friends, we worked until two, and of course we drank. You can imagine how much if I came home at ten. I wanted to go to bed quietly, I was tired, but it wasn't there. As always, the wife is in her repertoire.

— Well, that's it, my strength is gone.

And most importantly, he doesn't scream as usual, but it's so quiet. Well, I think it's rubbish, so it's serious. And she continues:

— Either you stop drinking once and for all, or, God help you, — here she waved uncertainly over her head, not knowing where to show, we don't have icons in our house, so understand that everywhere, — but here's the threshold for you. Then she definitely pointed at the door.

Being drunk on the street is not a very tempting prospect. It's cold, and the last pair of work pants can be taken away. And then how to work, I don't know, you won't go to work in your underpants.

I tell my wife, Fenya, let's postpone this serious conversation until the morning. We'll discuss everything calmly in the morning, but now I want to sleep. And she's on her own:

— It's too late, it's already been paid for.

It was only then that I noticed that an unfamiliar, middle-aged, not the first freshness woman was present in the room during our conversation.

«Who else is this?»

— A psychic. She will treat you with hypnosis.

— Does it hurt?

— Not at all. You will fall asleep, wake up, and not only drink alcohol, you will not want to see it. – Declares a psychic.

I think she's a sadist. He wants to deprive me of my last joy. What should I do? You can't spend the night on the street. I may have managed to cope with one wife somehow. And two women, and I'm drunk, who do you think will be right if the police arrive?

In short, I agreed. And what if she doesn't succeed. At least I'll get some sleep in the meantime, and then we'll see.

She sat me down on the couch, began to whisper something, and if a drunk needed a lot, I fell asleep.

This psychic tells his wife:

— You watch him, and I'm in the next room, — we have a TV there, — I'll watch the series. If he starts to ’perform‘, call me, I'll calm him down quickly.

My wife settled down next to me, less than fifteen minutes later, she also fell asleep.

I don't remember how long I slept, I won't lie, only when I woke up, I thought that the ’roof‘ had gone completely. ’I‘ am sitting in front of me. The mirror can't sit on the couch. I thought maybe I was still sleeping. Pinched it. Painfully. I'm not sleeping. I went to the mirror, and my wife was looking at me from it. I made a face at her, she made a face at me. I stuck my tongue out at her, she stuck it out at me. And then it hit me. While we were sleeping next to each other, our souls went out for a walk. Mine, drunkenly decided to return, but apparently got confused and climbed into the body of his wife. And the soul of the wife, sees that her place is occupied, do not make a scandal, she searched, and took a place in my body.

So I woke up my wife's soul, which is in my body, and told her what happened to us. And then the psychic appeared. I tell her,

«Do hypnosis again, put everything back in its place, or I'll call the police.»

The psychic, to give her her due, calmly explains:

— Hypnosis can be done only once a day. And you don't have to scare me with the police. From the beginning, think about who will believe in all this. Well, they'll call the doctors. They will take you away, put you to bed, and will treat you for a long time, all your life in a mental hospital.

You've been patient for twenty-four hours. Moreover, tomorrow is Sunday. You don't have to go to work. I'll be back in the evening.

It's good to tell her to be patient for a day. The trouble started in the morning. No, it's not that scary. But still. I went to the toilet for a small need. Out of habit, I put my hand in my underpants. No. He fumbled around. No, that's it. What should we do? You can't call your wife's soul for help. And I think myself, but I can't think of anything else myself. Invented. And why should I only relieve myself of a small need? Let's all get together. I sat down on the toilet. It worked!

Meanwhile, my wife's soul tells me:

— I'm with Rita, this is her friend, I agreed to go to the sauna today. It is not possible to refuse. The offense will last a lifetime. You know her.

— Listen, there will be so many women there, won't there?

— So what? What can you see there that is new to you?

Arguing with Fenya is useless. This is not new to me.

My wife began to instruct me how and what to put on her body after the bath. It seems to me that there is no man who has not stripped a woman at least once in his life. Men, and who has tried to dress a woman? Honestly, it's a pain in the ass. Panties, you can't squeeze them into a fist. It says size forty-four. It should be worn on a size fifty-four. So my wife tells me, if you put them on, they're a little too big for me.

I won't tell you how we got to the bathhouse. More or less calmly.

In all baths, the men's section is on the right, and the women's section is on the left. Hence the saying — the man went to the left.

Rita went, as it should be, to the left, and I, out of habit, to the right. She says to me:

— Fenya, there is also a men's department.

I did not immediately understand what was the matter, I said:

— Well?

-wildebeest sticks. Did you come to wash, or to look at the heroes without ties?

I was joking too.:

— And without pants, too.

We go into the women's department. The people, and all the women. The eyes poison the soul. Well, I took a quick look at the old ones. They look like my machine. Some things are worn out, some are worn out, some things need to be changed. And to be honest, it's time to write it off, but there's nothing to replace it with. But what young girls — and white, and black, and short, and tall, and slender, and not very. And I'm like that goat that went to the garden to eat cabbage, but left my teeth on the shelf. I think, God, for what, I got into a chicken coop once in my life, but it didn't do much good. Then he looked at himself, that is, at his wife's body, and calmed himself down.

— That's a drunk, but look how lucky you are. And there is something to touch, and look at, not like others. And then I felt sorry for the others, because they are also women. Is he a man, he's like a dog. He can have fried meat, even give him a sugar bone, he'll eat everything, you'd think they wouldn't feed him at home.

I got used to the situation quickly. It's like if, for example, you go into a store, into the wine and vodka department. There are a lot of things in the window – cognac, vodka, wine, whatever you want. Meanwhile, you don't even have enough money in your pocket for a beer. And then what difference does it make to you, which is better, which is worse. I looked at it and went on.

Well, when we washed, I still respected my soul. Ritka asked me to rub it. I know where to rub it, and how to rub it. Although the hands are female, and the soul is male. Ritka screamed so much that the bath attendant thought that a maniac had entered the department, anything could happen.

My wife and I spent the whole day together. I was watching TV. She was cooking dinner, but she kept grumbling:

— You can't peel potatoes properly with your hands, let alone cook dinner.

A psychic came in the evening. She put us to sleep. I only woke up in the morning. My wife woke me up so I wouldn't be late for work. I haven't been drinking since. Sometimes I'll ask my wife if it was like that. She will smile mysteriously and remain silent.

I recently saw her mole. I saw exactly this one when I was washing in the bath. I couldn't have dreamed that in a dream. So it was. Here you are smiling too. You don't believe me. And I'm not lying. Honestly, it was like that.