Short jokes from the web

* If your beloved suddenly asked you «Do you love me?», it means that she either broke something, or bought something, or was offended by something. In any case, prepare your wallet.

Getting a job when you're fifty is hampered by energetic young and even more energetic retirees.

* Young, pretty. Financially secured. I have two higher educations. An apartment, a car! I'm not looking for anyone, I'm not selling anything, I'm not going to get married! I'm just bragging.

* — Have you heard the news? Whitney Houston's comatose daughter is on the mend. — Ha! She should have been told earlier that she would be disconnected from life support devices on February 11.

* In order not to regret anything, do nothing.

* Of course, laughter is the best medicine. But not with diarrhea.

* — Imagine, the director stripped me of my bonus for being at a football match during working hours. — And from whom did he find out? — He was sitting next to me.

* Get drunk today. It will be more expensive tomorrow.

* Do you think it's gotten worse? You just don't watch TV.

* — How did everything go wrong with this dollar, euro, economy! Is there nothing else to talk about? The New Year is coming soon. — Chairman of the Central Bank, calm down and sit down.

* I always achieve a result, and it doesn't matter that this result is always negative.

* It is reported from Europe that the next time when choosing Roman parent No. 1, multicolored smoke will come from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel.

* — Doctor, girls don't notice me. — Whose voice is that? Please leave the women's bathroom stall!

* Mowgli knew that to learn how to live among people, you must first live among wolves.

* Extreme quarantine measures: it is forbidden to even lose your temper.

* — Vovochka, what is a temple? — This is a place where grown-up aunts and uncles promise that they won't do it anymore.

* If Biden wins the presidential election, the White House will become the most expensive poorhouse in American history.

* There can be no doubt about the artificial origin of COVID-19. Only an evil human genius could combine a convulsive cough and diarrhea in one disease.

I can't stand beautiful women, they don't let me enjoy quiet family happiness in peace.

* — I wonder what the year 2021 will be like? — It's hard to say. But the fact that 21 is a point makes me vaguely apprehensive...

* They do not go to someone else's monastery with their Koran.

* — Doctor, but I have two legs, don't I? — And the test shows that you are asymptomatically one-legged.

* Husband to wife: — Darling, isn't it time for us to diversify our sex life somehow? The wife is interested: — How? — Let's try another cream.

* Money loves you, but as a friend.

* Vovochka and her mother are choosing canned food in the store. — Mom, what kind of jar is this? — The tongue is in its own juice. — In drool, or what?

* Kebabs who died with skewers in their hands end up in the Mangalla after death.

* Foreign pirated products flooded Russian shelves: grappling hooks, black tags, Jamaican rum, gunpowder, dead man's chests, halberds and talking parrots at dumping prices practically drove similar domestic products from the market.

* I tried on the wedding ring on my finger — I felt the pressure on my neck...

* The boy couldn't tell the rhyme and threw himself off the stool.

* You take cover — it's hot, you open up — it's cold, you stick out your leg — it's perfect. Until I remembered that there was a woman under the bed.

* Margarita, we're late for the ball! You go naked, but you've been going for three hours.

* Women, pinch men's asses in minibuses. Break the system!

* I agree to pay the fishing tax to the state. But first, let it show me the receipts for the purchase of fish food. Dumping waste from factories does not count.

* I will sell an apartment prepared for renovation.

* I haven't been drinking for a week and I feel like a fucking plum.

Mom, the guys are calling me gay! — Well, beat them. — Well, they're so beautiful...

Boris Moiseev complains that all his friends have forgotten about him because of health problems, and no one visits him. Well, what can I say? Not friends, but finished faggots!

* Female. The thicker a friend's f@pa is, the more fun it is in my soul!

* By giving Putin two daughters, God made sure that this surname ended with Vova.

* In Russia, computer science classes began to study abacus again.

* — Why did you decide to spend your vacation outside of Russia? — I'm hungry.

* Why is the first question of women: do you have a girlfriend? At least one of them asked: do you want to eat?

* Due to the fact that Alina has gained a lot in recent years, Vova put all Russians on a strict diet.

* This year, not everyone's New Year will be accompanied by the smell of tangerines.

* Being a girl is very difficult. You say, «Hug me.» And you want him to strangle you with your tights while he's lying on the table.

* Whoever got up first, that's the mask.

* I have now read the symptoms of the coronavirus, one of them is: constantly drawn to sleep and there is no desire to work. Looks like I'm patient zero.

* I walked around the city with my girlfriend all night yesterday. Everything was like in poetry: the night, the street, the lantern, the pharmacy...

* It's obvious that you're still a teapot! It's not even electric.

* Financial situation: I lost my bank card — and x@y with it.

* — The piano has two pedals, and the piano has three. — So the piano is an automaton, and the piano is a mechanic?

* There were problems in Donbas. Donbass voted for independence. And it immediately turned out that Donbass had no problems.

* Candidates for the post of President of the United States have a combined age of 151 years! And we have only 68 years.

* A policeman to a blonde: — Why didn't you stop? — I was scared, this rod was so long. — It wasn't actually a baton, it was a barrier...

* — Shall we dance? — Do you snore?

* I don't understand at all how a man with two kidneys can claim that he can't buy his wife a new fur coat!

* A woman comes to the bank, and the cashier tells her that she brought a fake bill. She excitedly: «So, I was raped?».

* Vovochka didn't get what he wanted for his birthday, so he said something completely different from what he taught from the chair.

* Husband to wife: — Well, come on? — Yes, my head hurts. — So I'm not going to fuck you in the head!

* An easy way to win a million in the lottery: you need to organize it.

* In our country, today, everything happens so suddenly that now, really, you don't even have time to fuck!

* You need to go to university to stop complaining about the fact that you are ugly. And start complaining about being stupid.

* The radio signal from Earth to Alpha Centauri lasts 4.5 years, so in 3 years the inhabitants of the triple constellation will begin to receive the first ticks from our planet. It will take them about another year to prepare the invasion fleet and 15 years for the arrival of a punitive expedition.

* Yesterday, I went to Halloween dressed as a 30-year-old man with a mortgage, scaring the zoomers with marriage laws and bills from the dentist.

* How fucked up are the people who come to the meeting on time. Why should I blush and apologize because of you?

* The doctor to the nurse:

— My dear, could you write down your recipes on plain paper, and not on my letterheads? My patient got your damn goulash cooked again — he got poisoned and died!

* Men are like birds — they can sing long and beautifully, and then shit and fly away.

* Svetlana Tikhanovskaya announced a nationwide strike and asked everyone to come. Belarus has never seen such a powerful single picket before!

* In the bread department:

— I have one soft and half hard.