16 funniest stories from life

1. We went to the store with our little sister.

I asked for a smoked chicken.

The saleswoman started to get it out, and then I see that my sister is leaning against the window and I tell her:

«Don't lick it!».

The saleswoman turns around in fright and says,

“I'm not licking!"

We lifted the mood of the whole queue.

2. I go for a walk with the children.

My son is 3 years old, my daughter is 8 years old.

The son is silent for a long time and suddenly:

«Mom, where do children come from?»

I'm starting to frantically figure out what to say.

At this moment, my daughter, hugging her brother by the shoulders and dragging him forward, says to him:

— Come on, bro, I'll tell you the whole truth, otherwise mommy will think for a long time how to honestly lie to you!

3. The guard at work told me.

He worked as a stoker, he did not drink himself, and therefore the hard workers always left vodka without palev and came to cool off during breaks.

Once, for fun, instead of starting a bottle of vodka, he put the same one, but with water.

After a while, the men come running, four of them.

There's only one glass, so one for bottling, the rest in line.

He drinks first, looks around, says nothing, sniffs his sleeve, walks away.

The second one is the same bullshit, the third one is also silently drinking.

The latter pours himself a drink, looks at everyone with a fucking look, with a dumb question in his eyes, everyone laughs, and the one who drank first says:

— No, well, what, I was the only one who had to drink water?!

4. Friends have two children, a son of 10 years old, a daughter of 4 years old.

The son, on his own initiative, puts his sister to bed, helps her wash, undress, tells her something before going to bed.

Gold, not a boy.

One day, the girl declares:

– Mom, I don't want you to put me down anymore.

He's doing things to me that it's too early for me.

Mom, in an instant panic:

– What?! What is he doing to you?!

He's teaching me to count to a thousand.

5. Russian store in Skokie, a suburb of Chicago.

I come to the store to buy a sausage,

Which is produced there and hermetically packed for longer storage.

I take such a package, go to the checkout to pay, and then I notice that the expiration date expired a week ago.

I tell the cashier Musechka about this and hear in response:

— Yes, the girls just forgot to re-paste the date.

6. A Russian family moved to Germany a couple of years ago.

Soon a local master came to them to connect the phone.

The children, boys of 5 and 3 years old, well-mannered and intelligent, joyfully greeted him with a shout of «Hande hoh!».

The German, by the way, obediently raised his hands.

He remembers everything too!

7. My cat considers me her child.

He wakes me up in the morning, entertains me with games, controls everything I eat, walks around the edge of the bathroom when I take a shower. By the way, I absolutely cannot lie in the bathroom, she is probably afraid that I will drown, she screams in a wild voice until I get out of the bathroom.

In the evenings, lights out, looks at me very sternly and calls me to sleep.

In short, everything is under control.

She doesn't take care of my husband at all.

Apparently, I'm a completely stupid child, it's hard for her to be with me.

8. A friend told me, he was on the bus.

At one stop, a dog came in the front door, walked along the bus and settled under an empty seat.

When the necessary stop was announced, the dog left on a first-come, first-served basis.

The people on the bus started talking:

What a smart dog.

To which the conductor replied:

«She takes this route every Friday, there is a shawarma stand near this stop, and on Fridays they throw out the leftovers.»

9. Somewhere in the 80s, we rode around the country and bought a chandelier in Chisinau.

Domestic.

It's not that they weren't at home, but they liked this one and took it as a keepsake.

At home, I gathered it in a pile and began to prepare for the most important thing — one stool on the table and, on top, another stool.

The house is old, the ceiling is 3.30.

I successfully removed the old lamp, but when I tried to get the ring on the hook in the ceiling, I swayed and, without letting go of the chandelier, obeyed the law of gravity.

Both suffered injuries of varying severity.

I didn't feel sorry for myself, but the chandelier couldn't be restored.

Well, not fate!

We looked at the passport — our deceased was made at the Tiraspol factory of some kind of electrical appliances.

I tell my wife, if you want, write, but I'm ashamed.

Let's go to the store, choose a new one, and, in general, the old lamp is not bad.

10. And also about the paternal attitude towards newborns.

We brought our daughter from the hospital.

While the female part of the family was setting the table (how not to mention it!), the father went to get acquainted with his daughter.

I went in quietly to check what he was doing with my child, and found a touching picture:

He was rocking a cradle and quietly, in a low voice, singing to her «Tanks rumbled on the field.»

11. I have a friend, got a license, decided to learn how to drive.

I started driving at 4-5 in the morning, when no one is there, well, don't bother anyone.

I studied for a week, everything went fine.

There's a bell, Igor, I crashed!

Well, sometimes «chip and Dale rush to the rescue!» and sees an oil painting.

An intersection and two cars with two letters«U», yeah, and around them two girls walk and talk peacefully.

Both of them recently got their license and learned to drive «at 4-5 o'clock so as not to bother anyone»!

Well, they didn't bother anyone, they just found each other.

Two lonelies have met!

12. In the summer, I work at a children's health camp.

The shift takes place in a picturesque corner of nature.

Forest, lake, spring, fresh air.

I have a tradition: every day, in the evening, before going to bed, I take a bucket and go to the spring to pour cold water.

I am the oldest in the camp, so all the staff respectfully calls me «Senior».

One fine evening, I took a bucket from the dining room, waving the bucket and humming some cheerful melody in the direction of the spring.

Several camp workers come towards me and ask:

— To pour?.

I, continuing my cheerful chant, lifting, show them the bucket.

When I saw their astonished eyes, I looked at the bucket and noticed the inscription there: «For soaking eggs.»

13. Advertising is the engine of trade!

We have been drinking beer with a friend recently, we decided to buy fish.

Well, they bought salmon sticks (by the way, I recommend it!)

But they were not so shocked by the sticks themselves as the advertising inscription on them:

«Noble and beautiful — a couple of sticks for beer!»

14. I work in a departmental closed polyclinic.

A mandatory medical check—up is carried out every six months.

Most doctors approach the case formally, but not the gynecologist!

In general, an oil painting: I'm sitting in an armchair, the doctor is working.

After the standard questions about health, he suddenly asks:

— Lenochka, do you want to go to work as an administrator in a beauty salon?

I take a look at the situation and ask an even more logical question:

— Doctor, what did you see there?

15. I began to notice that the gas bill in my grandfather's apartment was higher than usual, and significantly.

I decided to check it out, since my grandfather usually rarely cooks anything (we live in the same house on different floors, we bring him food).

I go to his apartment, I look at the gas burning just like that, although the apartment is so warm without it.

It turned out that my grandfather kept the gas on all the time, in order to save matches.

Saving matches is my yacht!

16. The other day I had a laser vision correction.

Everything was done, I sat in the dark and rested.

I'm about to leave, the doctor stops me and gives me the last instruction:

«First of all, go to bed, you'll wake up, you'll see better.

And most importantly, don't be scared.

The ones you will see are your family.»