A selection of funny jokes

* * * Now, 90% of men behave like women: they write first, call first and apologize first. Guys, don't worry! I can still visit and give you some flowers!

* * * I'll put the kitten into good hands! If the hands are good, take me away.

* * * Once, a hare, a wolf and a hamster gathered in China. The hamster asked: «And what will our names be here?»

* * * The hare replied, «My name is Zooey,» the wolf said, «And my name is Wooey,» and the hamster said, «I probably won't come to China.»

* * * A mother and her son were driving in their car and suddenly a huge dildo flew into the windscreen and bounced off. The mother calmed down, but her son asked, «Mom, what was that?» «An insect!» the mother replied. The son said incredulously, «But how does it fly like that?»

* * * «Professor, what do you say to your students when you meet them?» the professor asked. «A large coke and some French fries, please,» he replied.* * * — What means of safe sex do you use? — Bulletproof vest. Is that what you call a condom? — You see, my lover's husband is a hunter, and if he suddenly returns from hunting ahead of time with a gun, then a condom won't save.

* * * — After a long chase, a traffic cop stops a sports car. — You know, this chase amused me. Explain why you tried so hard to run away from me, and I won't take away your rights — we'll limit ourselves to a fine. — It's very simple: three weeks ago, my wife went to the traffic police inspector, and when I saw your patrol car, I decided you were already wanting to return it.

* * * - Well, Sharik, should I throw you a stick? — Throw it to your friend, idiot! Sharik thought, hiding in the booth.

* * * The whole world is catching Pokémon. In Russia, this game isn't likely to be as popular — we have been catching «squirrels» and green devils professionally for many centuries.My morning starts like this: «Open your left eye, open your right eye.» Hey, left one, where did you go? Open up the right one. Damn it.